Jokes, Quotes and Anecdotes

[Kate Stine, Editor]

Here's my favorite Sherlock Holmes joke. What have you got? Post 'em here!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

“And what does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow... What does it tell you?"

"Somebody stole our tent, " said Holmes.

[Kate Stine, Editor]

And here's one of my favorite quotes:

Not one of us ever grows up to be what he intended to be. Not one of us fulfills his own expectations... We are all our own children, in that sense. At some point, somewhere, we have to stop making demands.

—Travis McGee in The Green Ripper, John D. MacDonald (1979)

[MHLady]

Three favorite quotes, all from Mark Twain:

The coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco.

If two people agree about everything, one of them isn't necessary.

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

[Kate Stine, Editor]

In honor of the above Mark Twain quotes, here's a Mark Twain anecdote.

While giving a speech on honesty, Mark Twain told this story:

When I was a boy, I was walking along a street and happened to spy a cart full of watermelons. I was fond of watermelons, so I sneaked quietly up to the cart and snitched one. Then I ran into a nearby alley and sank my teeth into the melon. No sooner had I done so, however, than a strange feeling came over me. Without a moment's hesitation, I made my decision. I walked back to the cart, replaced the melon -- and took a ripe one.

[CarlaZ]

One of my favorite noir quotes:

"I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons."

-- Lorraine (Jan Sterling), Ace in the Hole, 1951, screenplay by Billy Wilder, Lesser Samuels, and Walter Newman

[CarlaZ]

Here's another quote from a very funny movie.

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops!”

—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace, 1941, screenplay by Joseph Kesselring

[AgathaC]

Talking about dying messages in The Tragedy of X, by Ellery Queen (originally as by Barnaby Ross), Drury Lane says:

"... there are no limits to which the human mind cannot soar in that unique, god-like instant before the end of life."

[Becke Davis]

Here's my favorite Sherlock Holmes joke. What have you got? Post 'em here!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

“And what does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow... What does it tell you?"

"Somebody stole our tent, " said Holmes.

I love this!

[Hannah Adams]

Here's my favorite Sherlock Holmes joke. What have you got? Post 'em here!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

“And what does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow... What does it tell you?"

"Somebody stole our tent, " said Holmes.

Elementary! I found this joke online:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson was taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field. As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.

"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"

"Elementary, Dear Watson. There were 167 sheep." Sherlock calmly stated.

"Holmes, are you really telling me you managed to count them all in that brief moment?" Watson inquired.

"Don't be silly, Watson. I counted the legs and divided by four."

Here's where I found it: https://upjoke.com/sherlock-holmes-jokes

[Becke Davis]

I saw this on Facebook:

"Whenever I'm asked what kind of writing is the most lucrative, I have to say ransom notes." - Author: H.N. Swanson

[CarlaZ]

One of my favorite Amelia Peabody quotes. It especially resonates now with the current quarantine...

“Marriage, in my view, should be a balanced stalemate between equal adversaries.”

—Amelia Peabody Emerson, The Mummy Case, 1985, by Elizabeth Peters

[Becke Davis]

One of my favorite Amelia Peabody quotes. It especially resonates now with the current quarantine...

“Marriage, in my view, should be a balanced stalemate between equal adversaries.”

—Amelia Peabody Emerson, The Mummy Case, 1985, by Elizabeth Peters

Brilliant!

Found this on Goodreads:

“A good friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body.”
― Steven J. Daniels, Weeds in The Garden of Love

[JRob]

Brilliant!

Found this on Goodreads:

“A good friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body.”
― Steven J. Daniels, Weeds in The Garden of Love

Oh, I am so stealing this one.

[Hannah Adams]

Brilliant!

Found this on Goodreads:

“A good friend will help you move, but a true friend will help you move a body.”
― Steven J. Daniels, Weeds in The Garden of Love

Oh, I am so stealing this one.

I found another couple of good quotes, and these are by mystery authors. I found them here: https://www.azquotes.com/quotes/topics/mystery-novels.html

Detective stories keep alive a view of the world which ought to be true. Of course people read them for fun ... But underneath they feed a hunger for justice ... you offer to divert them, and you show them by stealth the orderly world in which we should all try to be living.

Dorothy L. Sayers

The mystery story is two stories in one: the story of what happened and the story of what appeared to happen.

Mary Roberts Rinehart

[Becke Davis]

I used to have a really good book of quotes and anecdotes. I thought I'd kept it but I can't find it now. Google isn't coming up with many quotes with a mystery or bookish theme.